I never understood the phrase ‘forgive and forget.’ I mean, unless you’ve come down with a sudden case of amnesia or some form of early onset Alzheimer’s, how do you just forget?  Now, if you said ‘forgive and move on’ that I would get, that would make more sense. Because when we forgive, the feelings of anger, sadness, resentment, etc, - stops. However, our memory isn’t wiped clean. The event(s) aren’t erased from history.

It seems like we hold onto things others have said and/or done to us, instead of forgiving and letting go of the pain that came from whatever it was they/it caused us. Forgiveness is tricky and even though it sounds like forgiveness is for the other person, it’s not. It will never be about anyone else. Forgiveness only involves one party, you. You, and solely you, forgiveness is a one wo(man) party. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if it were actually about the other person? Isn’t easier to blame others for our feelings?

I am such a forgiving person, sometimes I feel like I am too forgiving. I forgive everyone and I do mean everyone – whether they are sorry or not, whether they have apologized or not, they are all forgiven in my eyes and my heart.  If I never learned to forgive, I’d still be angry at the men who raped me. If I didn’t learn to forgive, I’d still be crying over the individuals who abandoned me. If I didn’t learn to forgive, I’d never be able to have a relationship with my mother. If I didn’t learn to forgive, I’d still be sad about every loss I had to take in life. If I didn’t learn to forgive, I would be one miserable mutha - And I used to be. I was once a bitter, miserable woman, blaming everyone else for the unhappiness I felt because I could not let go of things. Forgiveness has helped me to become the woman I am today, sharing my truths with you in hopes that it helps you heal.

But I have a question – even with forgiveness being difficult for some to do, why is that women are so quick to forgive the men who continuously hurt us but even quicker to say ‘fuck bitches” when we are hurt by another woman. We are so quick to dismiss the women we at one point, called friends, sisters, after a disagreement or dispute over the most miniscule thing. I see it happen all the time. I hear ‘that’s why I don’t fuck with bitches’ way too much. I see friendships ripped apart but relationships with cheating, lying, deceiving men, mended – over and over and over.

With me, with women, it’s different. I personally have never had the “I don’t like bitches” mentality. I have always welcomed and embraced new friendships with other women and loved them like sisters. My friends are the closest thing to me, most times, closer than family.  

I feel like I hold my relationships with women to a higher regard, to a higher standard.  I am so used to being hurt by a man; it’s expected when it happens. You know, ‘boys will be boys’, kinda thing? It’s sad and in no way a justification for my crazy reasoning. I love hard! And if you have ever been blessed to experience my love, you know this to be truth; not just relationships but friendships. I give my all. I show up, all ways, always. So, when I was hurt by a friend it was harder to accept them back in my life. The betrayal stung more, the wound was deeper.

Recently, I had to grow up, be an adult and face my own truths. I had to face the fact that just a few months ago, I took a man back (a few dozen times) after he hurt me and barely apologized. But I found it so hard to accept my friend back – even with a sincere, heartfelt apology.  Shit, I took me a week to respond to her apology. But if she was “him” he would’ve been forgiven within hours or the next day, with only a weak ass “I’m sorry.”

Let’s stop this. Let’s stop letting go of our sisterhood so easily. If you have a few good ones, hold them tight. If they mess up, because they’re human, but they are willing to admit their faults and own up to the role they played, learn to forgive (the way we do with men) and if possible learn and grow from the experience. Our sisterhood is sacred. We need each other.

xoxo

Carey Adela

And if forgiveness in its entirety is difficult for you, remember; I forgive you doesn’t mean you didn’t hurt me. It doesn’t mean I am allowing you back in to repeat history. But also, know that it is okay to say ‘I forgive you but I don’t want what we had, back.” Forgiveness is for your own healing purpose.  

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